the condom got lost in my hair
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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