moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
