Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
