so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He passed out mid-signature
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Randomize
