Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
