It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Randomize
