So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
How's work?
Spinning.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
