omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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