man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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