my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
