She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
We’re leaving where are you
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