just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
