Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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