update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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