Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
