i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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