Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
