the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
