apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
