Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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