i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
In other news, I just burned my penis
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize