I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
im calling her cock vulture from now on
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
