i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
