her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize