I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
