life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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