with your own penis?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
