what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
