She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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