Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Randomize
