I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
