Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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