i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
