Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
