we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
