I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
