he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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