Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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