Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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