i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My boob is missing a layer of skin
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
