i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
tell me about the fingering
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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