I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
