And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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