He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
