respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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