this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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