Umm I'm too high to move.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
