I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
