Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
