just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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