1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
