I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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