You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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