We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
