so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize