youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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